she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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