Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
