two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Can you bring me the toilet please
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
