woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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