There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
