Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
