I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I deserve this hangover.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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