Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Pooping to opera.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
