when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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