I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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