First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
