I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
