At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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