he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
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No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
