So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
