Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
