I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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