How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Still dying that you shit outside
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
