she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
