If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
