Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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