my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
