Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
