i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
