I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
