I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
