I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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