Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
