Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
