I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My nipple is on Facebook.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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