So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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