How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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