dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
false alarm. still invincible.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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