I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I am available for nakedness
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
