and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
