Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
