I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Welp...herpes.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
