wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
