I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
