Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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