First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
