were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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