My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
