Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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