I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
and she was petting her beer can
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
