the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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