can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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