I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
