She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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