Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
