My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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