I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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