I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
